UNTIL I'm Emperor ... buying gas in the USA

As previously posted [Canadians Getting Gassed...] as Emperor I will be giving the gas companies some tough love for their inability to handle Canadian credit cards at US gas stations.

There is a fix.  Kludge is more accurate. Why this code would be written into the pumps' wee brains rather than doing the job properly to accept alphanumeric codes is a mystery.  Also puzzling is why the oil companies aren't telling anyone.

I don't know the original source of this, but it came to me through my banker.  At great expense, I arranged a field trip to Florida to test this out -- wouldn't want to disappoint you.

Ready?

When the pump god asks for your postal code, punch in the numbers from your postal code plus two zeroes.  For example, your pc is "M4E 1G7".  You punch in "41700".  And pump away..

University 101

MBA's, Engineers, Commerce grads, Lawyers, Doctors, Pharmacists, etc. seem to make their way through life in what many would consider a "successful" manner, at least economically.  A lot of arts and humanities undergrads seem to find themselves under or unemployed or in a McJob somewhere well down their preference list. 

Indeed, this article makes a reasoned case -- in a very entertaining and funny manner -- that a non-professional degree gives you little more than a whack of student debt.  So screw Arts, right? Head straight for a professional degree by the least painful method possible, right?

Or dump university altogether and get a trade.

Not under this Emperor, my faux-rational slacker-dude readers.

When I am Emperor, the basic rule is:  All capable will take a minimum of 2 years of General Arts/Humanities before being allowed anywhere near a "professional" or career degree program.  The idea is that you learn to think and get exposed to a wide variety of people, thinking, isms, ists, onomies and osophies BEFORE you get to hang out with a pack of like-minded, like-talented borgs trying to come up with an "edge" or the 4-decimal-point answer to everything. [Many Artsies already know the answer is a nice round 42].

Canadians getting gassed in the USA

When I am emperor, postal-coded Canadians with a credit card will be able to buy gas at the pump just like zipcoded Americans.

For any Canuck who has never experienced this little pecadillo of current US travel, here's how it goes.

You pull into the gas station and shove your credit card into the reader in the pump.  You may get welcomed and offered carwashes or 6-packs of Coke for $1.99.  But you will also be asked to enter your postal code. Security thing: the zip is encoded on the card stripe and you might not know the code if you stole the card. OK.

Nice phone-like keypad ... that will in no way accept letters.  Numbers only.

ads ad nauseum

I actually like Denis Leary and I have nothing really against pickup trucks.  But the latest F-150 ads reminded me of something that must be stopped.

When I'm emperor nobody ... nobody ... gets to broadcast the same commercial twice in a single commercial break.  I don't care if it's the most brilliant hilarious commercial of the decade with Clios and Lions d'Or coming out it's hooha and more facebook followers than all the Kardashians combined. Watching the same ad twice in 2 minutes; repeated every 10-12 minutes for an hour or two? I prefer waterboarding.

Thanks to the DVR and my urban Canadian attitude toward guns, the TV has not (yet) been shot.  But it could happen if you folks don't get me emperor-ed soon.

P.S. I'm not even sure about an ad airing in two successive commercial breaks but that one could have the ad guys jumping out of windows. So maybe we'll leave that one alone, at least while we jail a few people for bad advertising.

Spammers

This one is pretty easy.

High-volume spamming will be a capital offense.

It will probably be the only crime where torture will be permitted.  In fact, it may be specifically encouraged.

We could fund enforcement with a lottery -- winners get to do the torturing.  I would probablly find out empirically how much of the fake drugs they flogged constitutes an overdose.

This could be a possible use for the Guantanamo facility.

Cart Smarts

With two posts under my emperor's belt, I feel I have waited an appropriate length of time before beginning to deal with golf.

Upon my coronation, golf carts will no longer be mandatory ever, anywhere.  If the course design is so stupid that there is a pace-screwing walk from green to tee, the course will be required to provide an extremely efficient and frequent shuttle.

While we're at it, anybody who walks will be allowed to do so without paying for the cart they don't use.

This does not mean anyone gets to poke along and slow the pace of play.  Pace-maintaining rules and designs are encouraged.  But mandatory carts are not the answer to anything.

The Debate Ends. Under is the Answer

This is one of those topics that can generate debate and where both sides have reasonable-seeming arguments.  One might think it is an area where personal choice should be permitted.  One would be wrong.

This is, in fact, one of many areas where the issue isn't really about who is right.  The issue is how life will be easier if it's always done the same way.

Greater efficiency, lower frustration, less wasted time (like what I'm doing right now), reduced un-rolling incidents, etc.

The site with the most elaborate argument and the best graphics is here.  Unfortunately they are wrong.

Martinis

This seems a good place to start. Not only do we start with an important issue, but we clarify how open, flexible and reasonable I will be as your ultimate leader.


When I am emperor, a martini will be made with gin and vermouth.  I don't really think it's right, but we will allow vodka.  Garnishes are pretty open: olives of various sorts, lemon twist, pickled onions (see, even Gibsons can join the party), TomOlives*, and their ilk.  There may be further amendments with respect to garnishes, but we discourage anything that significantly colours or flavours the actual drink.

All the other crap out there that currently includes "martini" or "tini" (didn't think I'd catch that one, did you?) are gone.  You can still make, order or drink the things.  But you will not call them martinis.

Don't try lectures on the "true" history or development of the drink.  Yes, it has evolved.  But that is over now.  The variety allowed by garnish and gin:vermouth proportions is sufficient.  It's over.

*These might not normally have made the "approved" list.  But they are good and happen to carry the names of my father and mother (Tom and Olive), so they are in.